A: Let go of your intent to impact your daughter’s actions and you can rejoice in her successes to your heart’s desire. We want to celebrate in a child’s accomplishments and to let her know how excited we are about her yet we wish to avoid stirring her life with our emotions or with our evaluative thoughts. Her own feelings and thoughts must be honored.

Words that intend to stir the child’s feelings and actions carry the same price as other coercions: The child can gradually lose her intrinsic motivation and focus on pleasing; parent child relationship suffers; the child may doubt herself, become dependent on approval, feel insecure, learn dishonesty and take on other traits that come with all methods of control. The fear of not getting approval is just as intense as the fear of punishment, making both strategies similar in essence.

As with any manipulation, the child does things for the wrong reason, to get the praise or avoid its absence. Yet, we do not have to become indifferent; on the contrary, when free of the intent to impact actions or behavior, a parent can generously express appreciation and joy with her child.

Webster Dictionary’s definitions of praise are: “Praise, Verb: To express a favorable judgment of. Noun: 1. An expression of approval. 2. value merit.”

It is this judgmental quality that makes praise alienating rather then connecting. Therefore, what I would offer you will not replace it but will give you ways to connect with your daughter in relation to her victories. Positive feelings and thoughts in response to a child’s success can be expressed in four ways:

• Validation
• Gratitude
• Feedback in response to a request
• Unconditional appreciation

In this issue I will address the connecting power of validation in response to accomplishments.

A father related to me his childhood memory of sitting on the top of a slide, contemplating going down. He sat there for a while and then turned on his belly, feet first. The second he took off, his parents cheered and clapped. Arriving at the bottom, the disheartened toddler concluded that something was seriously wrong with him or else his parents wouldn’t consider his sliding a big deal. With reoccurrence of this scenario, he was left with confusion and pain that limits him to this day.

How could this man’s parents have expressed their joy in their child without contradicting his inner experience? They could have validated the contemplation by staying quiet and attentive. If, upon arrival down, he expressed self-satisfaction, they could have then joined his joy without dramatizing it. His feelings had to be revealed first. Maybe he would have laughed with delight and they could have then hugged and laughed with him. Maybe he would have said excitedly, “Did you see me sliding?” and they could have reflected with joy, “Yes, I saw you sliding fast all the way.” If he was silently beaming they could have asked, “Are you excited?”And if he didn’t express anything, it would have been most respectful to say nothing and maybe later ask him about his experience.

Being confused by an undue fuss is just one way a child may misperceive praise. The child’s own sense may be far from our words; she may feel disappointed in her creation, embarrassed about her behavior or resentful about having to please you. Often a child seems excited when praised and we can be fooled to think that she is happy and her self-esteem is growing. Yet, most of the time she is only relieved to receive the approval again. She is becoming skillful, not at studying or behaving, but at living inauthentically and dependently. In her yearning to please, a child can be swayed away from her own path and lose self-trust. Most of us are aware of situations (even as parents) where we surrender our deepest passions and convictions for the sake of acceptance.

A child wants to know that we are aware of his success; he is eager to share his self-satisfaction with us, not to satisfy us (pleasing as service will be covered in the next issue). To connect with your child while appreciating him, it is best to empathize with his expressed feelings rather than try to manufacture a feeling in him. In such freedom he can act on his own choices because you are empowering his trust of himself, which is the ground for self-esteem, responsibility and authenticity.

If your child is already conditioned to look for your approval you can still validate her feelings; if she seems happy with herself you can reflect her joy, and when looking anxious you can empathize, “Are you feeling doubtful of yourself and do you need my approval?” When this is a pattern you may want to share your concern, “When you ask me to tell you if you were good I feel worried because I need to know that you can be pleased with yourself regardless of my opinion.” Or, you can ask your child if she may be looking for feedback (this will be covered in another issue.) When instructed to “look at me” or “listen to my story,” follow the instructions; you were neither asked to evaluate, nor to “pump” good feelings. Look, listen and give attention.

Even when your child chooses freely a path of learning, he needs to retain his self-direction. When sensing that his parents are invested in his pursuit, a child may lose his own passion. Parents often share with me their sadness about a child who stopped his art or music in response to praise.

Whether to modify behavior or to induce study, manipulation builds walls between parents and children regardless of the method. Needing approval and yearning to please are human qualities that can benefit us all when not used as a tool to direct the actions of another, but as a way to connect with each other. Do not attempt to create a feeling and a behavior in another human being. Instead, celebrate the way he is by reflecting the feelings that are already there.

Naomi Aldort is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU, UK, and are translated into German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is thirteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort www.OliverAldort.com. For more information: www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com. 

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