A: We want to let our children know that we appreciate their help, and we wish to give useful feedback when they practice music, sports, dance etc. However, praise is an evaluation rather than appreciation or feedback. Anytime we give our opinion or judgment (no matter how great) on the behavior or accomplishment of another, we appear as though we are one-up, which is the reason it is perceived as patronizing. Such praise is likely to elicit annoyance, a shoulder shrug or rolled eyes because it does not meet the need of the child for respect and equality. If such praise is accepted, it can lead to dependency and insecurity, as explained in the last issue.

When Your Child Serves Your Needs

A mother told me about her 12-year- old son who one day, on his own, mowed the lawn. She praised him, “Oh, how wonderful, you are becoming helpful and it looks so nice.” Three months later she reported that he hadn’t helped ever since, even though they had done a lot of yard work.

After the session with me she empathized with her son and said, “You haven’t participated in our yard work since you mowed the lawn. Are you feeling thwarted because you wish to help out of your own free will?” “I don’t want to get grades for my work,” he responded. “Do you need respect and autonomy?” she asked. “Yes,” the boy answered, “when you praise me I know that you are trying to make me do it again, which just kills it for me.”

When a child serves your needs she does not want evaluation; she wishes to know that her action served you, and would enjoy knowing how you feel about it. The appropriate response to receiving the service is gratitude. Saying “thank you” may be enough for minor help but not for an involved or lengthy action.

You can generate a greater sense of appreciation by sharing your feelings and acknowledging what needs of yours were met. For example, to a child who surprised you with a ready dinner you can say, “Oh, I feel such relief; now I will be able to enjoy dinner and we will still be on time for the party. Thank you so much.”

In a similar way, children want to know that your needs are met when they are being considerate. Praise words like, “You were so nice to stay quiet while I slept,” provide evaluation, not gratitude. What the children want to know is: Did you benefit from their effort? How are you feeling about it? In the case of your afternoon nap you can say, “I feel refreshed and am grateful that it was quiet in the house. Thank you.”

Giving Feedback

Feedback consists of facts, not value judgments. It is not about good or bad but about specific details. Saying, “That was good,” tells a learner very little because she has no way of assessing what caused the “goodness” and how to improve her performance. Yet, providing feedback does not have to be dry; your validation of the child’s self-satisfaction as well as your feelings can be expressed in connection with feedback. Expressing feelings can be the actual feedback when the child asks you to tell her how her creation or performance impacts your emotions . . .

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Naomi Aldort is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU, UK, and are translated into German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is thirteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort www.OliverAldort.com. For more information: www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com.