A: We need not hold our awe inside. On the contrary, relinquishing praise gives us freedom to express our joy authentically. Praise is actually not natural and not a loving expression because it is given in response to conditions defined by the person who is praising, with a purpose of causing a result in the child. It is therefore controlling and authoritarian. In contrast, appreciation and love can be shared abundantly, with no conditions and in the freedom of relating as equals.

Love is the water of the human soul; evaluation is not. One of the ways love shows up for the child is through the experience of knowing that her life makes a difference and touches the people she loves. Ask yourself what touches your heart, when someone says to you, “you are great”(evaluation) or when she says, “Being with you, I feel inspired.” It is the emotional connection that matters to us the most.

Use private moments to share whatever is present and real for you at the moment; a smile, a hug, an action and/or words. Instead of vague evaluative words, share how you feel and how your child’s presence moves you. While taking a walk together you can say, “I feel excited walking with you;” while helping your child wash his hair, “I love washing your hair, I feel so close to you and that is so important to me;” giving full attention, one-on-one, is one of the loudest ways to express love and recognition of your child’s importance in your life.

If your child rolls her eyes or seems annoyed when you say something wonderful about her, you are probably not respectful of her preferences (“not here Mom” or “not now,”) or, you are dishing out praise instead of sharing love and appreciation. Keep such expression to intimate touchy moments.

It is when children behave in ways that are difficult for us that they need our love and recognition the most. Unfortunately, in such times we can easily feel angry or bewildered . . .

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Naomi Aldort is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU, UK, and are translated into German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is thirteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort www.OliverAldort.com. For more information: www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com.