A: What an enlightened child. She has no tolerance for phony, inauthentic polite talk. Why teach her otherwise? Besides, who defines “rudeness?” Why label the child’s behavior? Labeling closes our mind because we think we already know. Notice that in such a situation the underlying “knowing” is that “something is wrong.” When we don’t label what the child does, we have freedom to notice the rightness of her point of view. Do we really want children to emulate the kind of phony politeness that goes on among adults? Or, maybe it is time in our evolution to consider learning to be authentic and truly caring.

Let’s examine a possibility that may startle you: Why don’t you call your relatives before they come for a visit and give them the half hour talk? Now you are probably laughing; that seems absurd in a society which holds the adult as right and the child as the one needing to learn. However, your relatives would benefit from a lesson on respecting your daughter and on being sensitive to her way of connecting.

Obviously I do not really intend for you to give your relatives a pep talk about their behavior! But if it is not conceivable to have that talk with them, I suggest it isn’t any more right to have that talk with your daughter. Respect her the same way you respect the guests. Allow them to be the way they are and your daughter the way she is. They will do their introduction, and she will respond by rolling her eyes and going away in a fit. Judge neither of them. Just put a loving hand on your daughter so she can sense that you honor her way of being.

Let your daughter know that however she welcomes the guests is fine with you. When she feels free to be herself, she may choose not to come to the door when they arrive. Or she may stand there and you may be surprised to find that she will not be angry and may not even leave, because her anger was most likely directed also at you for taking their side and rejecting her choice of behavior.

You have asked your child to meet your need for approval by being the good little girl in your show. Your own inauthenticity is then passed on to her, and she learns to impress rather than be real. Lucky for you, she is rejecting your lesson. Instead, she is teaching you to liberate yourself from the need to live up to the expectations of others; embrace the gift.

Listen to your child’s ideas and flow easily with her ways. She may want to jump into their arms, get the gifts first (if there are any) or run toward them outside and enter their car before they even get out of it. On the other hand she may want to hide until they make themselves at home and there is no more danger of phoniness. Then she will show up and start a game without any official “introduction”.

I never taught my children to say “please” and “thank you”, nor required that they respond to adults’ inquiries. They behave well because they want to fit in, and they care. A child who chooses to abide by society’s rules of behavior on her own does not do so as a result of coercion or fear of judgment, but because she wants to.

When your guests disregard your daughter’s need to welcome them in her own way, she learns to disregard the preferences of others and to dominate those who are smaller. But if you are on her side, she can observe free of anxiety; when she doesn’t have to meet your need for approval, she can stay authentic. She will form her own ways of relating mostly from the way you treat her. If you coerce her to abide by the expectations of whoever is older or bigger, she will learn to be inauthentic, fearful and controlling. In contrast, if you treat her with respect while honoring her way of being, she will become respectful and assertive.

Informing children about manners can be harmless if the choice to use the skill is up to the child. You can model and you can give information, but if you insist that your child actually say whatever you tell her to, what do you think she is learning? To tell others what to say! In addition, saying words without having a feeling to match them trains children to be phony and dishonest. Even worse, while saying or doing things that contradict their authentic being, children feel resentful and often develop an aversion to the use of manners. Many adults’ difficulty with apologizing or thanking may be rooted in negative feelings associated with these words and actions.

Some children just love to use manner words and they see themselves as very accomplished. They do it with a flair of self-assurance and seem to enjoy their victory in impressing the adults around them. This is fine as long as the child really chooses this path freely and not out of fear of disapproval.

Most children do not express gratitude with specific code words but they do express it in their own ways. They will look at you with a big awed expression on their face, or they may show you how appreciative they are by displaying their joy or creating something with your gift and showing you. Indeed, we can learn manners from children. We can learn to express ourselves authentically rather than mechanically, and to receive gratitude when it is expressed in unique personal ways. We can also notice how labeling behaviors deprives us from seeing the gift that every event, word and action offer us.

Naomi Aldort is a parenting counselor, writer and public speaker. She leads workshops for parents and offers counseling by phone. Her articles can also be found in “Mothering” magazine, the McGraw Hill university text book “A Child’s World”, “The Journal for Family Living”, Taking Children Seriously”, “The Nurturing Parent”, “Mother-Tongue”, “Kangaroo Kids” and more. You can read her articles on her website at www.NaomiAldort.com.

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