A: When I was a teenager I used to say, “No expectations, no disappointments.” This advice still guides me today. Many educators, however, believe that holding standards, and expecting the child to achieve them, creates a strive for excellence. Indeed, it might – but at what price? And, how does one “apply” this tool of expectations?

If you want to use expectations as a motivational tool you will need to use praise, rewards, guilt and other means of manipulation. Striving to please you, your daughter will have to choose between being a player in your “vision” in order to gain your approval and pursuing her own path, authentically.

I would assume that what you want with all your heart is for your daughter to direct her own path. To know what she should be doing, watch her. How do I know the baby shouldn’t walk? He isn’t. How do I know my child shouldn’t read yet? He isn’t. How do I know that my teenager should relax happily? She does.

You can have desires and visions about your daughter, but you may notice that you end up anxious when she is not the person you are envisioning her to be, and you lose sight of loving who she is. Loving who she is, you are more likely to be engaged in her life, and provide opportunities that support her fully.

You mention how much you do for your daughter. Parenting, however, is not a business deal. Your giving is the receiving. Isn’t it the most rewarding experience of your life? You love your daughter and you feel happy when she is thriving. You water a flower so it will bloom – the flower owes you nothing in return. It blooms in its own way, for its own sake.

Ultimately, you take care of your child for your own happiness. Her self-generated success is your joy. The definition of that success is hers, not yours. You have nurtured her so she can be self-directed – and she is. She wants your love, not your direction.

Parents are often caught in wanting children to pay them back for the service by becoming who the parent wants them to be. Yet, the autonomous being will have nothing to do with give and take. Your daughter does not set expectations for your personal growth. She expects to be fed and cared for; she does not expect for you to complete your Ph.D. this year, nor does she set any other standards for your progress on your own path.

Happiness & Expectations

Living up to the expectations of people we love does not produce happiness but dependency. Many of us are prisoners of the need to please. We sometimes mistreat our own children just to fit in with the expectations of others. Children yearn to please us. They see our expectations even when we try to hide them. Your daughter’s freedom to act on her own behalf will be greater without external expectations.

Inquire into your own need to have an agenda for your daughter. We deceive ourselves when we think that we know what is best for our children. Can you know that pursuing something fully at this time will serve your daughter best? Without your expectation, you would love her path unconditionally and have the joy you are looking for. As a result, she would feel the peace of being loved exactly as she is, and she will trust herself fully. Stay connected, interested and willing to expose and provide, but trust her to create her own world.

In my phone counseling work I meet hundreds of capable, loving, successful parents who reveal to me their own memories of their growing years. A great majority of these capable adults say that as teenagers they did what adults consider to be “nothing.” Some of them kept this passive mode into their twenties. You need not take my word for it. Find among your friends and relatives (or even strangers) a few people you consider happy, and ask them or their parents how much they accomplished as teenagers. Then find some people who were focused achievers all through their youth (good luck) and see if they are fairing any better as adults.

Your daughter knows to be happy and satisfied with herself without being dependent on accomplishments or approval! Wow! How many of us would love to achieve such contentment and self-confidence? The addiction to accomplishment is one of the main sources of suffering among successful people.

Some youth do focus on a theme of their choice without parental expectations. But then that’s their path. One of my three sons is a “do nothing” teenager, while his younger brother is already an accomplished musician at age eleven. I do my best to protect them from anyone’s expectations, so they can stay true to themselves.

Sometimes you may worry because you meet youth whose parents’ expectations motivated them to go to college or accomplish a lot at a young age. However, can you really know that they are or will be better off? By whose definition are they flourishing? Happiness is being who you are and being happy with yourself. I know unschooled young adults who played all their childhood. They are happy and successful adults who found their own path often at the same universities as those who worked at it as teenagers. Expectations may create the illusion of success as the youth fits herself into our picture. Yet her achievement is often an expression of emotional dependency, drawing her away from her authentic self.

Teachers

We hire coaches and teachers to lead us on a path to becoming masterful in music, sports, academics, dance, etc. We pay them to provide guidance and set standards that fulfill our own desire for mastery in a chosen field. In such a setting, expectations can foster achievement.

Being a parent is a relationship of love and care. If academic or skill-related expectations come from parents as part of their loving relationship, the child equates achievement with being worthy of love. (See my columns on praise in Life Learning Nov/Dec 02, Jan/Feb 03 and March/April 03.)

As the parent, I recommend that you hold your child in high esteem in your own mind, and expect her to do whatever she is doing. Holding her in high esteem means assuming she is doing the best for herself. Trust her and respond to her direction by providing opportunities. Don’t let her interests become your agenda, nor expect any specific outcome. Your belief in her supports her belief in herself.

Why Push?

This conversation relies on the assumption that accomplishment leads to happiness. In addition to the futility of directing the path of another human being, there is no evidence that high achievement makes for a happier life. Your daughter is doing what is best for her. Right now she is passionate about doing very little and being happy with herself – a great state of mind for learning and growth. However, there is no such thing as doing nothing because the mind never stops. Daydreaming, thinking and observing are all paths of growth – often more valuable than years of study.

When we pretend to have the power to control the minds of our children we suffer anxiety and confusion. Your daughter is on her own path. Get out of her way while staying emotionally connected and unconditionally loving. Clarity comes when you recognize that the way your daughter is, is the evidence for how she “should” be, and expect her to be the way she is.

Naomi Aldort Ph.D. is the author of “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves” (available on Amazon and in bookstores). Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU, UK, and translated to German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is thirteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort www.OliverAldort.com. For more information, visit www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com.