Children and Power
Some thoughts on raising self-authoring, compassionate individuals
By Lael Whitehead

photo © Shutterstock Images

We parents have a lot of power…over our children, at least. They begin life entirely dependent on us for survival. They inherit a world-view from us – a set of assumptions about the way things work that will affect them for their whole lives. They learn from us patterns of relating: The way we treat them becomes an internal model for their future relationships with others.

People today are perhaps more conscious of power than they were 50 years ago. We talk a lot about “personal power,” “power trips” and “power hierarchies.” Most of us, I imagine, would like to live in a world that is egalitarian and democratic, one without a dominant class or race or gender, where each individual is free to pursue his or her personal vision of the good life. And yet, as a culture we aren’t very good at detecting unhealthy power situations. Most of us are quick to give too much authority to experts, officials and other gurus. In our personal lives we often can’t tell when we are being dominated or when we are dominating others. In short, we are poorly educated in the language of power.

Learning this language begins at home, during the early years of life. All children begin life as powerful agents. Toddlers are bold and determined. They want to learn to do for themselves what they notice others doing around them. But what they encounter in their family environment is crucial: The way their parents and caregivers treat them will either begin to prune away their faith in their own power or will nurture and protect their native confidence.

The pruning of power happens is many ways. Overt coercion is easy to spot: punishments, threats, criticism, on the one hand, and rewards, bribes, and praise for compliance on the other. But you can also undermine the power of a child in subtle and insidious ways . . .

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Lael Whitehead is a musician, writer, and mother of three. She lives on a sheep farm in the Gulf Islands of British Columbia with her husband, Richard Iredale, and whichever daughter happens to be home at the time! Julia, Marlies, and Lauren designed their own educations. All three continue to inspire their parents with their optimism, energy, and enthusiasm for being alive.

The term life learning refers to a form of homeschooling that trusts children and avoids the trappings of school. It is sometimes called unschooling, radical unschooling, or natural learning. Life learning children live and learn naturally, with the support of their families, based on their own interests and their own timetables, and without curriculum, tests, or grades. Go here, here and here for a more comprehensive explanation.

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