A: The thought “he should listen to me” is the source of your confusion.

You and I cannot know that he does not listen or that he should listen. I assume that what you mean to say is he does not do what you say. When a child doesn’t follow our logic we call it “not listening.” Yet do you really want your child to obey you just because you are bigger or older? Do you want him to fear you and act against his own inner guidance?

Most of us want to ensure that a child will grow up thinking for himself, that he will not blindly obey anyone, that he will be assertive and self-reliant. We hope he will know to stand up for himself in the face of sexual offenders, drugs, commercial food and the ever-seductive shopping malls and media. Why train your son to comply? If he is to be self-reliant and powerful, he must listen to himself. I hear from you that he is doing that already. With such confidence he will choose who and when to listen to and what to act on.

Why is it so hard to trust that your child’s response to you is as it should be, when he doesn’t do what you say? Because your own mind is doing its best to distract you from your natural common sense and love. Supported by the media, grandparents and friends, your mind believes that your child should be other than how he is, even though, deep inside, you don’t even believe it. If your child doesn’t share or doesn’t dress herself, the mind might yell inside your head, “He should….” If you get caught in your mind’s agenda, you miss noticing your child who is right on track, doing his job perfectly on time.

Look at the places that you do trust and learn from yourself: Did you push your baby out of your or your spouse’s uterus at eight months gestation to make sure she learns to breath? Did you teach her to walk or to talk? Looking at the areas where you are peacefully trusting, you can realize that the other areas, where your mind tells you to worry, are no different. She will read when she does, she will dress herself when she does, he will have manners when he does, he will share when he does and make his own food when he does. Just stand by and watch and you will have the proof of it all.

Does this mean that you don’t do anything? Or course not. But instead of directing, you respond to the real son, the way he is. Your mind may whine and scream many scary thoughts; if you obey these thoughts you suffer and you drag your son away from trusting himself. Instead, be alert to his intentions so you can get out of his way and . . .

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Naomi Aldort Ph.D. is the author of “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves” (available on Amazon and in bookstores). Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU, UK, and translated to German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is thirteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort www.OliverAldort.com. For more information, visit www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com.